Sunday, December 4, 2011

"I have a microphone on one ankle and an ankle bracelet on the other, so I'm well balanced today." Martha Stewart

I decided to try and channel good ole Martha and make a big thanksgiving for my friends here.  I invited my classmates and a few others to come over Satruday night.  I thought it might be amusing to take you through my thoughts while cooking my turkey dinner for 12 people, I have a feeling Martha didn't have these thoughts! Most of the time each sentence is a completely new thought which took place anywhere from directly after the first sentence or 20 minutes after the first sentence... be prepared (maybe you can sing that like in the Lion King... BE PREEEEEEEEPAAAAARED!!!!!!)

Monday: find recipes for dinner... "oh god, this is going to take a lot of timing, better make a schedule.... easy peasy"

Tuesday: at the grocery store: "it does not seem like I am buying enough to feed 12 people... holy shit I can't find a turkey!!!!"  At a NEW grocery store "hmmmm, what is lbs to kilos again? Well, this is the biggest one, I will take it.... oh fuck, I can barely carry this!"  At home: "Thank god there wasn't a bigger bird... this one barely fits in my fridge!!!"

Wednesday: "What is this gross liquid flowing out of my fridge?!?!? Oh god! Its turkey juice!!!!! What the hell... no one said you had to put it in a container to defrost!!! There is turkey juice everywhere!"  Then I argued with Sam the merits of cooking the casseroles ahead of time or not... When should I boil and mash the sweet potatoes and what to do since I can't find cream of mushroom soup at the store.

Thursday: "Well shit (said mentally with a super southern accent), its a good thing I decided to boil the potatoes today... it is taking me THREE pots!!!  Is this enough potatoes?  This isn't so bad.... dear god, why did I get so many potatoes... these are a bitch to mash!!!"

Friday: Back at the grocery because of course I forgot a few things "This is Bridget Jones searching for the crispy onions for Wake Up Britian (said mentally with British accent).... At a NEW grocery store "well Nancy Drew, the case of the crispy onions has been solved! Reward yourself with a chocolate muffin!!!"  At home: "When I snap green beans I imagine long ago generations of southern women snapping green beans in the exact same way... except they are sitting on a big wrap around porch looking out over tobacco fields... not drinking Danish beer in Sweden, small details.... Oh holy crap! None of my casseroles fit into the pans they are supposed to go in!! Hmmm, smaller pans should work right?  Yes, now I will have two small pans - one for each side of the table!!  ....  I wonder how much of a difference it will make that I am using frozen tranberries, shit cranberries, for this sauce instead of fresh.... How much longer will this shit boil?!?! Oh, out of beer!"
Here we have the turkey, both casseroles assembled and the cranberry sauce chillin' out, relaxin' and amazingly I have room to spare... maybe because there is nothing in there except stuff for Saturday's dinner! 

Saturday: THE BIG DAY!! 11 AM: "why didn't I clean yesterday? uh oh, how much beer did I drink?... Hmm it appears that the turkey is still slightly frozen, oops!"
12 Noon: "fuck its cold! why didn't I do my recycling yesterday when I had long underwear on?!?!  Ok everyone, out of the fridge... you need to reach room temp, not you cranberries, you stay here and don't stress!  Hows it going turkey, want a rubber ducky for your cold bath?
1 PM: "OK turkey... its you and me... I am going to rock this! ... EWWWWWW!!!! Oh god, the turkey was not so gross when it was all wrapped up! What the hell have I gotten myself into? Can I do this without having to actually touch the bird?  Maybe if I just plop it into the pan it will work... 
Oh nooooooooooo! There is stuff inside it.... A NECK?!!?!? (physical gagging at this point) ew, ew, ew, ew, what the fuck is this?!?! Are these giblets?? Who the hell came up with that word? They are fucking gross is what they are!!!  
Now I have to wash it?!?!? Turkey bath.... singing in the tub gooble gooble.... Dear turkey, it is crucial to have clean arm pits... don't want to be smelly.... ew ew ew ew.... (Now I have stuff the turkey with a lemon, onion, thyme and a whole head of garlic) What fresh hell is this?!?! This shit will never fit in that hole.... Ok turkey, time to play just the tip.... See that wasn't so bad right?!  Now we smother you in butter, salt, pepper and tie you up... this is getting kinky... Clearly I should have paid more attention in calf roping school how the hell do I get these legs to stay together?!?!"
2 PM: "Oh! thats right! I needed a meat thermometer from Sigrid and Vegard!! Crap... its raining! Thank goodness for their coffee and pizza, I can't remember what I have eaten today!"
3 PM: "Turkey... this is your moment, it is all up to you... You need to become DELICIOUS orrrrrrrrr... OR ELSE!!!  Oh shit you barely fit in the oven!! Well, you definitely don't fit with that thermometer sticking out of you... fuck fuck fuck fuck... OK... got it!
 (While setting the table) Why is it so hard to count to 12? Maybe I should have invited less people... it looks like a lot of chairs... oh shit oh shit... pull it together Theresa.... mmmm turkey smells good... Oh god, check the schedule... you are probably behind... Nope! I am awesome... I should have been a politician's wife, clearly I am a dinner party throwing MASTER!"
4 PM: Sadly Erica and Natalie can't come (they were supposed to bring the dessert!!!)... And Malin and her boyfriend might be kept home due to the weather... "everything is falling APART!!!  Where is the wine?  Ok, wine and make up... now everything is good again... I wonder what I should wear... I don't want to look sweaty... FUCK, OW! Concentrate on the mascara and you won't stab yourself in the eye dumbass!" "OK Mr Turkey... you need to be basted... I wish I had oven mitts... my ski mittens should work... hmmm you aren't putting out much juice for basting with... I will just rub you with a stick of butter... this is because your juice is all over the bottom of my fridge, fucking turkey..."
5 PM: Both ovens going: "It is hot as hades in here! How does Sam work in a kitchen all the time?!?! Changed, basted turkey again, more wine, CHECK!" Now Malin and her bf can't come due to the weather... "and then there were nine... great now I have a VERY male dominated table... Sigrid is my only girl companion... should be an interesting mix of people! Now more waiting... what am I supposed to do now? Oh, I could organize my Itunes... boooooring, more wine"
5:30: "Maybe I can light the candles now? Oh god, I need more deoderant! Maybe I should check the temp of the turkey... wow it is rising super fast... OH SHIT ITS WAY TOO COOKED!!!! crap, crap crap, this is going to be like on Christmas Vacation when the turkey cracks open and is black on the inside... what have I done?
 Why is only the green bean casserole bubbling and not the sweet potatoes? Can potatoes bubble? This is Bridget Jones pondering the deeper questions of our society... can potatoes bubble?!"
5:55: "hmmmm.... no one is here yet... well, I am in Sweden, that land of the very prompt... maybe they will show up at exactly 6! Stop looking out the window... you don't want them to think you are a spaz... Oh wait, they already know you so its OK.  Maybe I should start boiling the water for the stuffing"
6:09: "WHERE IS EVERONE?!?!???!?!?! I have nothing to do while I wait... I have a potentially horrible turkey resting (though I don't know why it should rest... it didn't do any work in the oven), casseroles bubbling and not bubbling, table is set, candles are lit, music is on, I brushed my hair.... hmmm maybe I can carve some on my graal blank.... WHERE IS EVERYONE?!?! Oh, I must have said 6:30 to them..."
6:15: Sigrid and Vegard arrive with their kids!! "I do have friends!"
6:30 Bjorn and Jonatan arrive with the cheese plate
6:40 Kresten and Martin arrive with the salad
7:00 "stuffing fluffed, turkey cut, marshmallows on the sweet potatoes... these guys have no idea what they are in for with these sweet potatoes! Hmmm.. I bet Odin and Sune will eat the rest of these marshmallows.... get them all sugar hyper mwahaha.  Oh shit I forgot the gravy!!!!"
7:15: Everything is on the table! Success! "oh shit, I didn't taste test any of this.... NOT A SINGLE THING... I hope I don't poison them all!"
7:20 Sitting at the table, Jonatan says grace "Normally when you say grace you hope that the food is going to be good, but I have already started and I know it is good so...." And MIRACULOUSLY everything was good! It was prefect... I am not sure I could do it again if I tried :)

We all ate, talked, laughed, drank, and in general had a pretty nice night of food and good company.  I told everyone that I was so happy they could all come, they mean a lot to me and have made my time here better. They have helped me grow, change and seen me figure out my life over the past year and a half and I so glad that I have gotten to know them all.  Then we watched the kids dance to funny Swedish pop songs and some Micheal Jackson and had chocolate bars for dessert.  

The only thing missing was my friends in the States and of course Sam... I wish he could have been here for another Swedish Thanksgiving and to witness my cooking mastery.  Also, it would be nice for him to really meet these guys, the people that I have stayed consistently friends with the whole time I have been here.  As we were sitting around the table I had the thought that one day I will be doing this again and maybe it will be my kids running around the table... one day, a long way away from now but one day I think.  (Does this mean my biological clock is starting?? eep!)

Anyway, so this Thanksgiving I am once again thankful for all the support from my friends and family back home, especially Sam.  I am thankful for my wonderful friends here, how much I have learned at school and having the opportunity to come to Orrefors.  And, I am thankful that I am a grown up... and soon I will be living with Sam again and starting a life that I think will be very rewarding and fulfilling.


  1. Wow look at that yummy food you made!!!
    Good Job Theresa!!

  2. the bleeping turkey looked great! You rock T- and I mean you really rock!